I was doing really well. I had all my bases covered. But then, I let my guard slip...and it was a fast slide down the mountain from then on. A slide I have been riding for 4 months. I kept waiting...thinking God was going to have this massive revelation for me. Or that I was eventually going to hit rock bottom, be so miserable, that I'd finally hit the brakes and start climbing back uphill. None of that happened. It just all sort of slowly came about. I was getting miserable, and longing for that perfect peace, but it wasn't enough. My nerves were wearing thin, waiting for something but nothing ever happening, it wasn't enough. I was sliding downhill head first. Didn't work. I kept trying to figure out what I was supposed to be learning. I couldn't. I was too far gone, to truly analyze what I was supposed to be understanding. Or so I thought.... Then it just sort of all started to fall in place. The pieces to the puzzle that I'd been staring at but couldn't figure out.
I started talking to this guy online. He wanted to commit suicide, and I was trying to convince him not to. At first, I was giving all the advice I could. In no sort of spiritual shape to give him the gospel myself, I referred him to some sites specifically for people contemplating suicide. I kept reassuring him. Quietly hinting at this Christian retreat, or that Christian place. Finally he was stable enough that I wasn't battering my brains trying to figure out what to do. So, we just talked. Of nothing really. He asked me my story. I told him. I'd been there, where he was. I'd tried it..unsuccessful, obviously. A couple days went by...he was okay. One morning, he wasn't okay anymore. He was panicking. Trying to find a way out. I asked for help. Advice. Anything. I got it. One person said go to my parents. Not what I wanted to hear. I knew I wasn't supposed to be talking to strange people..duh! Tell them so I can get in trouble! No way! They're both working...they can't help right now. I need answers, advice, pronto! They had no other helpful advice. I knew this, even in my stupor, I couldn't continually rely on my parents for answers I would need to know myself one day. Maybe, it sounds wrong to you. But, one day, they won't be there, one day, I'll have to do it all on my own. I gotta start learning now. I won't cry Mama. Another friend didn't know what to do, but they said they'd pray. And that was enough. Someone was backing me up, without asking questions. Without telling me I'd done it wrong, they just stood next to me, and mentally, I saw that person pick up a gun and run to the front lines of an age old war. Slowly, ever so slowly, he was convinced that he should wait at least another day, he was stable again. Long enough, for God to work.
It was my turn to be worked on by God. I went to bed that night, then a the quiet voice. A song I enjoyed listening to at one point. I knew it well. I'd heard it at least a million times. Then, quiet again. "Get your iPod." he whispered. I didn't want to. I didn't want to cry and sob and be an emotional wreck. I also didn't want to let go. Of what...I didn't know. A battle ensued. No, go, no, go, no it's warm in the bed, go, no, go, fine... Off I went. I knew exactly where I had left it. I tip-toed through the house until my hand touched the cold metal. I grabbed it and ran to my room as if I had committed a crime. I dove back in bed under the covers, grabbed my ear phones, plugged them in, and flipped to the song I was told. I pushed play. Immediately He started talking. And we started dancing. It's a song, that I always could picture mentally. We twirled around, Him asking questions, me stuttering out my answers. His strong arms wrapped gently around me, He wouldn't let me fall. Question after question came. I repeated the song, again, and again. Still, more questions, more timid answers. He was quiet. I flipped to another song. Listened, and realized, if I bend, I'll have to give up, I'll have to do this, and this, and this. I'll be so totally embarrassed by my stupidity and wrong choices! No!! A mental picture exploded in my head with shocking clarity. His arms around me, I fought, I fought to get loose, I pushed and pulled, I punched, shook my head like a wild animal. His voice was firm. "Stop! Stop fighting!" Then a clear memory of my teacher saying... "People always see it as a don't. If I go to God, I have to give up this or this, I have to do this first and that. But God sees it as a do. Just come, just as you are." His clear words again. "We'll work it all out. Just let go. Just come." I didn't I shut His voice out of my head, and flipped through the songs. Trying to find one that portrayed my feelings perfectly. I found one I thought was good. The music blared in my ears, but in the song, He was still there. He was the one singing the song! I grew agitated, furious. I ripped the earphones from my ear, turned the iPod off, and shut it up in the drawer. I went to sleep.
Bas (we'll call my friend Bas, I like that name it's very Dutch ;) ) was slow to e-mail this morning. But, he began to ask questions. Previously I had shared a pathetic story of the gospel, a child could have done better. So I began to answer them. As best I could. Strangely, despite my struggle in the night. I felt alright. The more questions Bas asked the more excited I grew. Questions like "When did you convert to Christianity?" and "Can you give examples of how your life got better after you converted?" were things I typed furiously over. But even in my rebellion, I heard that little whisper. "That's good, that's all he needs to know for now." He was still guiding me. He recalled vivid feelings of how I felt, so I could better write of them. He reminded me of scriptures, I typed those too. I kept fretting over this, I felt as though I was giving Bas only half of what Christianity was, only telling him absolute need to knows, without telling him things I thought he should know as well. And the whisper "One hammer blow at a time." "Answer the questions as they come." He showed me a new way of doing things. I didn't have to explain theology to Bas. He wouldn't understand that anyway, and it would only frustrate him more if he couldn't figure out this wonderful way to peace he was searching for. Eventually he would give up. So, my seemingly childish explanation of the Romans Road, and other key factors of Christianity were... One hammer blow at a time. With each tiny blow, a little more of the concrete surrounding Bas' heart is chipped away, and a little more heart is shown beating, bleeding in pain. One question at a time, I'm able to show Bas the way. The way I followed to fix my broken, bleeding, painful heart. The one I'm staring at as I type.
Then the pieces of the puzzle flew into place. My 4 months of sliding downhill, weren't for the reasons I thought. No, those were really big things. This thing, was......small. Yet, it was the biggest one of all. So far anyway. All my crazy scheming and plotting trying to find adventure (cough cough, marines, cough) were part of His plan. My wide eyed and wide open phase...that was part of the plan too. I'm ready to have fun, ready to be me, ready to be happy and care free. That was what I didn't want to let go of. See, I thought that if I surrendered I'd be boring old me again. Matronly (as my sister calls it, and I agree), in long skirts, let down hair, and an even more boring life style! Staying cooped up inside, sweeping, mopping, cleaning house. Blah! I was seeing a new me that was fun loving, and always happy. I was ready to go out and conquer, to see the funner side of life. To do things other people feared. To do things that weren't normal, and defied logic. I didn't want to let go of what I saw I was becoming, maturing into. What I used to be like when I was a kid. (Albeit, not quite so adventure hungry. I take that back..I always wanted to be a military pilot.)
Then I realized, what if...this entire 4 month struggle, was for that reason. What if, He's trying to teach me to be me, and just let go. Trying to tell me "It's time to fly." That little birdy is fixing to fly out of the nest and find the adventure it's been daydreaming of it's entire life. That this new found quest for adventure, was just what He's looking for (in a more tamed way). What if little birdy, was made for adventurous, logic defying things?
And then I thought, "What if this one time, I came as filthy as I was and said Here I am. Would you take me, and clean me up, even though I hadn't taken the time to do it myself? And what if that was the whole point? What if all these times of me cleaning up my act and then coming had done more harm than good? Was this what He was trying to teach all along?" Then a whisper.."You can buy the shoes." I had my answer.
In my coming with all my vices still intact, still clinging, He was able to do more with me now, than the times I had come to Him with all my bad vices severed on my own.
And with that....my clarion call is back! GIVE ME THE WORLD, OR GIVE ME DEATH!
